"And then one day you find / [48 days] have got behind you"

Wow, I made it through all of March without a post? Dang. Gotta get back on the horse.

In the meantime, here's the entirety of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon rendered with an NES sound chip: Moon8. I particularly like the rendition of "Time," which would be at home in a Mega Man game.

Hat tip: Jeremy Parish

Stupid complaints about video games

The estimable Andrew Sullivan flags on his blog a complaint by a man named Horning about Guitar Hero and its video game ilk. This piece deserves Fisking, tout de suite! I'm all too happy to oblige.

If you want a more interactive way to enjoy music, why not dance, or play air guitar?

Because neither of these activities involve a feedback loop. You're not getting any response back FROM the music as to whether what you're doing works, let alone in such an aural/tactile combination. Guitar Hero and its successor, Rock Band, let you pick apart a piece of rock music in a way that you can't, short of learning it in a band or having the master tapes and a mixing board to play with.

Or better yet, if holding a guitar appeals to you, why not try actually learning how to play?

Some players do. Alex Rigopulous, co-creator of both games (pictured far right in the photo above), recently explained in an interview on the Freakonomics blog that while the singing and drumming portions of the games are decent simulations of the respective "instruments," and therefore are somewhat direct training in and of them selves, even the simplified guitar parts have inspired some kids and adults to become more serious about learning to play guitar.

For the cost of an Xbox and the Guitar Hero game, you can get yourself a pretty good guitar.

And an amp? And lessons? And the significantly larger amount of time it takes to learn real guitar vs. the game? Of course, by saying this, I play into this last bit of the intro:

I can't help but feel that Guitar Hero (much like Twitter) would have been utterly incomprehensible to earlier generations, that it is a symptom of some larger social refusal to embrace difficulty.

and later, finally,

The next thing you know, everyone touts Guitar Hero as a reasonable substitute for guitar playing and mocks the fuddy-duddy nabobs of negativism who are still hung up on the difference.

No! This whole piece is written like someone who has neither been a serious ensemble musician nor has played the game at any length. Many of the game's enthusiasts, including nearly everybody involved in its creation, are musicians. While there may be some subgroup that plays Guitar Hero and says "good enough. I don't need to learn how to play guitar." Honestly, I don't believe that many of these would have been serious about learning the instrument in the first place. But others use it as a bridge into playing actual music. And even for those who don't, part of the fun is in experiencing music in a way formerly accessible only to those who had the passion to play an instrument. Check out Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic, getting his butt kicked by the bass part in his own song, and celebrating how the game can train a non-musician how to pick out a specific instrumental line from the music.

Mr. Horning, the major proponents of these games are not suggesting that Guitar Hero is anything approaching a substitute for real musicianship. They're saying it helps broaden musicianship to a wider audience. But they are, indeed, also saying you're a "fuddy-duddy nabob of negativism." But you're wrong on the merits, besides.

Jerk.

Life changes & found items

So, the big news is that I'm changing jobs. I'm leaving the firm where I started my career four years ago, and had the opportunity to take self-portraits of myself wearing aviators on the roofs of half-finished Target stores. I'll be starting in mid-May at a large architecture/engineering firm in downtown St. Paul, who shall go unnamed because I don't know what their feelings are about being associated with an individual's blog and I don't want to get pre-fired. I'm excited for the downtown environment, expensive parking notwithstanding, and the hustle & bustle of an urban firm with a large variety of projects going on. I'll have to listen to lots of SimCity music on my iPod while I engineer.

As a result of the change, I'm looking down the barrel of two moves: job and house, more or less simultaneously. I finish at Job #1 on May 7th, we close on our house May 9th, and I start at Job #2 May 14th. I'm a frothing madman, you see.

I started cleaning out my desk yesterday, and came across a stack of slips of paper, most of them Get Fuzzy Page-a-Day pages, with notes scrawled on them. Old to-do lists, many of them, but also some Fred-cultural artifacts scrawled on lunch breaks and end-of-the-day flights of fancy. I present to you here two that I found of interest.

Legend of Zelda Games
chronologically, and indicating (X) if I have ever completed them:

• The Legend of Zelda X
  
• Adventure of Link X
  
• Link to the Past X
  
• Link's Awakening X
  
• Ocarina of Time
• Majora's Mask
• Oracle of Ages
• Oracle of Seasons
• Wind Waker X
  
• Four Swords Adventures X
  
• Minish Cap X
  
• Twilight Princess (X, more recent than list)
  
• Phantom Hourglass

Hey, that was fun! Here's another:

Awesome Rolling Stones songs
(* indicates songs I was newly, especially fond of as of early 2005)

• Moonlight Mile
• Happy
• Let It Loose *
• Paint It Black
• She's a Rainbow
• You Can't Always Get What You Want
• 19th Nervous Breakdown
• Can't You Hear Me Knocking *
• Monkey Man
• Wild Horses
• Bitch *
• Beast of Burden
• Ruby Tuesday
• Rocks Off *
• Sympathy for the Devil
• Ventilator Blues
• Angie
• I Don't Know Why *
• Loving Cup
• Tumbling Dice
• Gimme Shelter

Wow! This is the sort of hard-hitting excitement you've come to expect from my blog, no doubt. Glad to serve.

Hey, reminder, Neutrino happens tonight. Please do come. I certainly didn't expect April to be the month where it actually snowed while we were filming but then, sometimes our expectations are dashed and covered with a half an inch of snow.

Taste the rainbow

My next blogging subject was suggested by an article on Salon.com, entitled "The Letter E is Purple." Without even reading the lede, I knew exactly what the article would be: a first-person narrative nonfiction piece about synesthesia. I knew this because I have had similar statements bouncing in my mind since an early age, except to me, the letter E is orange.

Synethesia, as the previous links will tell you, is a state in which the mind connects the input from one sense with the felt experience of another. Being able to taste colors, see music, or indeed, associate colors with numbers and letters.

Ever since I was little, I've associated a certain color or colors with each number and letter. The image above more or less represents my color associations with the ten individual Arabic digits. Not all of the color associations are strong, and some are hard for me to pin down if I think about them. 1 and 0 are hard, especially. 3 is sometimes yellow, sometimes orange. But for my whole life, I've had a starter set of colors that I associate with numerals and with letters. Like each color has a Platonic form sitting in a locked room somewhere, a perfect Sesame Street Muppet version of itself that all other examples of the symbol is copied from.

I think that when I was a kid, I understood these colors to be universal, but after a couple arguments ("Don't be stupid! E is brown!"), I realized that my colors were not other peoples' colors. And over time, I think I realized that a) the colors were subjective and b) not everybody had the colors, so I let it drop. That has always been the extent of my synesthetic experience: each letter and numeral has a color. Sometimes words or longer numbers have colors, being combinations or sequences of others. Sometimes a color overwhelms. The letter F is green, as are the words Fred or Frederick. B and Beukema are red. Incidentally, my favorite color is blue. On an early date with my wife, I explained my experience of synesthesia to her, and mentioned that her initials went well together (MSR = blue, grey and brown, although the letters are black, blue and reddish brown respectively -- I never claimed this made any sense to me).

Years later, again in Doug Diamond's music history class (see also my second post), we talked about the Russian composer Alexander Scriabin, and I first learned the word synesthesia. Seems old Alex had a particularly strong case, and saw colors associated with musical tones. His composition was necessarily affected by his colors, and in order to convey his experience with his audience, he devised a color organ that would project the colors he saw for each note. The wikipedia article on Scriabin describes arguments he had with Rachmaninoff and Rimsky-Korsakov about his associations. Apparently the latter had a low-grade synesthesia himself. Of course his colors didn't match Scriabin's -- I think everybody who has this has a different set of associations, formed by certain chemical connections randomly happening at some time in one's youth. Maybe I had a children's book that showed the numbers as I show them above. Or maybe "green" and "4" just landed in the same place in the primordial soup between my ears.

I've spoken personally to two other people who have had strong synesthetic experiences. One is my friend Adam from college, who, if I recall, had much stronger associations than mine, including musical ones. And I once had a conversation with a synesthete who described how she would see the colors associated with words and letters projected over a page as she read it. That's very different from and more extensive than my simple, back-of-the-brain experiences.

A Japanese video game designer named Tetsuya Mizuguchi created a game for the Sega Dreamcast and Playstation 2 called "Rez" that sought, in part, to simulate synesthesia for the player. The game is full of simple, stylized, colorfol visuals and pulsing, evocative techno music, resulting in a simulation of a rave as much as anything else. But it's a fun and easily recommendable game. Check out some video from it.

So, handful of readers, do you have synesthetic associations? Have you told anyone about them? Have you talked to others who have them? Please, do tell.

Shameless Self-Promotion

How the hell has this blog existed so long without a post about video games? Granted, Joe covers most of the necessary territory, and does so daily. But still, if there's one topic that I spend more time nerdily jabbering about more than video games, I am unaware of it.

So, I invite you to listen to the most recent Brave New Workshop "For Those Who Don't Know" video game podcast. That's right: nearly 40 minutes of me and Joe Bozic talking about the annoying $10 premium for Xbox 360 games, the packaging for Guitar Hero III (at least three thrilling minutes on that topic), and the wonderful world of crappy Nintendo DS games.

Anyway, while you're at it, you should also check out Mike Fotis and John Haynes' Brave New Workshop Sports podcasts and the original, general-interest (Genus IV?) Brave New Workshop podcasts. All of them can be found for free download at Libsyn or the iTunes music store. Those are probably less alienating.

O Zelda, Where Art Thou?

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com (now defunct)

Well, it’s been confirmed now that Zelda: Twilight Princess won’t be coming out until the fall. Dang. I suppose on the other hand (the hand opposed to the reaction of “Dang”), this gives me time to finally finish Ocarina of Time.

Like Final Fantasy VII, I’ve been working on Zelda’s N64 debut for a while (although only a few years, as opposed to the decade I was approaching on FF7). Unlike Square’s magum opus, though, I’ve actually enjoyed all of the gameplay. I made a tactical error a couple years ago, though, one that seriously set back my completion of the game.

Before I really started getting back into gaming in January ‘04, I had already bought a used N64 and a handful of games: Mario 64, Mario Kart, Goldeneye, Rogue Squadron, and Ocarina of Time. I made some very good progress in the latter in 2003, getting as far as the Fire Temple (about halfway through the game, by my estimate). Then, in Spring 2004, I got a Gamecube. And the Zelda Collector’s Edition that included a GC port of Ocarina. And I sold my copy of the N64 cart. Whoops. So now I’m back at nearly square one (last I checked I was in Dodongo’s Cavern/Goron City, having played for a few hours one day last year) of a game that took maybe 15-20 hours to play as far and in as much detail as I had. Whoops again.

But as previously noted, I’ve got some time now. Maybe I’ll even dip into Majora’s Mask when I’m done, although the idea of playing a Zelda game in which your actions have to be completed within a certain time kinda freaks me out.

Cashing my chips

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com (now defunct)

I first played Final Fantasy VII in 1997 on my friend’s Playstation. I admired its atmosphere: the typically fine (if sometimes overburdened) Nobuo Uematsu score; the gorgeous prerendered backgrounds; the attractive adaptation of the Final Fantasy battle system to 3d. When the game was released for Windows PC the following year, I bought it. I played on and off over the summer of 1998, and then shelved the game during the school year. This became a typical pattern: brief flurries of progress, spaced out over months or even years.

I didn’t even finish the first disc (of three) until the summer of 2001, 4 years after starting the game. During my tenure with the game, I’ve played it on five computers: four of my own and, during one winter break, one of my parents’. And in that time, I earned a Bachelor’s and a Master’s Degree, completed a five-level course in improvisation, am now a year and a half into a career in engineering, and have met a lovely girl (Note 3/18/10: We're married now. -F).
One thing I haven’t done in the past 8 years is finish the damn game. At the beginning of 2005, I made a New Year’s resolution: to finish Final Fantasy VII before the year was out. Last night, I decided to call it off. I will not finish the game, or play any more of it.
The thing is, it’s a deeply flawed game. The gameplay is just fine. I like fighting monsters, gathering equipment, managing a party of warriors. But the gameplay is increasingly spread out between ponderous stretches of PLOT. The story also has potential interest. But the delivery is abysmal. Scenes of plot or character development are presented in a combination of nicely-rendered, 30-second full motion videos (of the kind that was used to foist the game on the public in TV ads) and tone-deaf, emotionless, in-game scenes, such as the “moving” death of Aeris, pictured above. The former are pretty but feel out of place, seeing as they account for about 1% of game time. The latter are like watching Lego people try to emote, which gets especially tricky when it’s not always clear which one of them is supposed to be talking, and their lines are poorly translated from the original Japanese.
The in-game scenes are further hampered by a total lack of change in the music. The same midi tune that accompanied your 20-minute wanderings in a given cave will also accompany the 20-minute scene — and all its dramatic turns — at the end of the cave. These bits that are supposed to keep you going through the hundreds of random battles, minigames, and Chocobo breeding stints spread over a hundred hours? No, thank you.
As previously mentioned, I don’t dislike console RPG mechanics, or the Final Fantasy series. I don’t even have a problem with long scenes between gameplay. I just prefer it to be in a game capable of making me care. My buddy Nels hates the Metal Gear Solid series for this reason, but I enjoy it, because at least I can perceive dramatic highs and lows in those scenes. I also give a pass to Final Fantasy IV, because when I first played it, I was 14, and by the time I went back to play it, they had fixed the translation.
So, it’s been a long time coming, but I have finally decided to stop my quixotic and poorly-paced quest to complete Final Fantasy VII. I feel as though a load has been lifted, which will allow me to refocus my energy on more important goals.
Like Final Fantasy Tactics.

Why Sony cannot and should not win the portable gaming market

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

I bought Burnout: Legends tonight. Looking forward to playing it, I popped it into my PSP. After the PSP loading screen, it said:

“To start you must update the system software.”

Ok, fair enough. Out to the main menu. Find the System 1.52 update.

“The AC adapter is not attached. Please attach the AC adapter, and then try again.”

Alright, you’re throwing up a lot of barriers, but I’ll dig it out and hook it up.

“The battery is low. Please charge the battery, and then try again.”

Screw you, Sony, I’m going to play Go! Fight! Cheersquad.

Ravenholm update

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

I played Half-Life 2 on Friday for the first time since February. I am now in the thick of Ravenholm, and have encountered every horrible thing that the sleepy little hamlet has to offer: all three varieties of headcrab and zombie.

As I’ve blogged about here and elsewhere, I’m a great big wuss when it comes to Ravenholm. I actually wouldn’t mind the lightning-fast, shrieking, skeletal zombies leaping at me from the rooftops if giant spidery-looking things didn’t subsequently jump off of them.

The worst, of course, are the poison headcrabs. They look like giant spiders, they move like giant spiders (say what you will about the creepiness of the original headcrabs — I could usually remind myself that they looked like walking Thanksgiving turkeys), and they make rattling/hissing noises like the giant spiders in movies. These things scare the bejeezus out of me. Given the opportunity, if I know or suspect that one of these is around the corner, I will saturate the area with grenades rather than face the potential of having to watch one of these move. I should also note that I’ve been playing through Ravenholm on God mode, so none of these things can actually HURT me.

If that wasn’t enough, the poison zombies each carry four poison headcrabs, and can throw them at you from up to two stories below. Typically at that point I’m too busy spontaneously evacuating my bowels to actually kill the things.

2009 Addition: SEE! Horrifying!

Guess what: got gaffled by one-time

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

GTA: San Andreas Update

The PC version of San Andreas has made all my Being-Able-to-Play-the-Game dreams come true. The Just Business mission was a breeze, and I am now much farther (San Fiero) than I ever got in the PS2 version.

Just to get this out of the way, and so you don’t get me wrong: I love this game. I love the size and scope. I love exploring the cities and countryside. The game has even inspired some research into real Californian geography and landmarks, to see what parts of the game’s landscape have real-world counterparts (Rockstar did a remarkable job of condensing LA), and into the history of LA gangs (check out these pages on graffiti and gang territories — I suspect someone from Rockstar may have visited this site in developing the game).

All that said, this game has some serious problems, likely as a result of that size & scope I so enjoy. There are some game mechanics that seem buggy or not fully fleshed-out (no pun intended), such as the girlfriends. And then there’s the problem of that lumbering dinosaur called the Renderware engine.

When I reached San Fiero, I spent some time exploring before I started any missions, and I started a relationship with Katie, the nurse. It was my understanding that the benefit of the girlfriends in the game was that you got fringe benefits, depending on the girlfriend. In this case, if I’m wasted, instead of ending up outside a hospital short $100 and all my equipment, I end up outside of Katie’s house with all my stuff. That ain’t nothin’. And later on, if the relationship gets far enough, I get access to her car (a hearse) and a medic uniform. Oh, and if I were to download a patch, I could play a totally unsexy sex minigame gloriously rendered by the lumbering dinosaur.

What I didn’t understand was how glitchy and poorly implemented the girlfriend stuff would be. I can initiate a date with Katie whenever she’s home, which is nominally noon to midnight every day. She isn’t always there, which isn’t a problem. Sometimes she’ll call while I’m wandering around on foot, to ask me to come pick her up. Also not a problem. What is a problem is when she hasn’t been at home for several days, and hasn’t called, and the relationship progress spontaneously, arbitrarily decreases. So I’ve been stuck at ~30% progress since date 1, because every date’s progress gets deleted.

What’s more, I understood that there are several kinds of dates you can go on. Sometimes she’ll ask to go get food. Sometimes she’ll want to go dancing. And sometimes she’ll just want to go for a drive. Problem here is that on all dozen or so dates we’ve been on, she always wants to go eat. Way to make the subgame compelling, Rockstar.

So all in all, the girlfriend mechanic is a pain. I get some benefit in the hospital thing, but it means putting a lot of time in to a crappy game mechanic, and getting randomly called to do so while I’m wandering around taking photos of little spinning orbs. Actually, you know what? In writing this, I’ve realized that whoever at Rockstar was responsible for the girlfriends must believe that women in general are fickle and irrational. A certain amount of misogyny certainly wouldn’t surprise me, given how women are portrayed in the rest of the game. He just decided to inflict his own dating history on the player.

Now, as for Renderware: ugly. In San Andreas, the playable portions work well enough, since generally the camera is zoomed out enough that details don’t matter much. But in those cutscenes… bleh. The characters have weirdly long forearms that jut at odd angles, the facial animation isn’t expressive at all, and the clothes are blocky as hell. The worst is Peter Fonda’s character “The Truth” (pictured). He looks ok, until he starts moving. If I’ve seen an uglier character that’s supposed to look normal in recent videogaming history (post-Quake II, lets say), I’ve forgotten it.

Oh, wait, I thought of one: girlfiriend Katie, during a date at a diner.

But even when you are zoomed-out, parts of the background disappear and rerender, or seem to shimmer, all thanks to the 5+ year-old engine powering the game. And that’s on the PC version, which is even high-res, instead of dull and blurry like the PS2 version. Rockstar & Take-Two need to find a new engine. Apart from anything else, it’ll mean they can stop helping to line EA’s pockets. But I’m not sure I’ll want to play another 50 hour game based on this thing.

But I do enjoy the game.

Nancy Grace

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

This is a little bit political, but mostly about video games vs. stupidity. It’s partially cross-posted from the general section of an improv bulliten board that the WayIPlayers populate:

---

Nancy Grace is a former prosecutor from the Atlanta Fulton County DA’s Office and now hosts a self-titled court show on CNN Headline News. She does not seem to understand the constitution, from presumption of innocence to the 4th Amendment.

I’m going to let quotes mostly speak for themselves on this one. I encourage you to follow the links to learn. More. First, from The Daily Howler:

Might cable "news" panels convict someone innocent? They already have, in one high-profile case. That is the case of Elizabeth Smart, in which harpies like Grace "convicted" a man who is now plainly known to have been innocent.

That man, of course, is Richard Ricci, a convicted felon who had worked as a handy-man in the Smarts' home and fell under King panel suspicion. During the summer of 2002, Grace had Ricci tried and convicted. During the original search for Smart's abductor, Ricci was arrested for other crimes, and regarded by police as a "person of interest." He died of an aneurysm while in jail. At the time that Ricci died, brilliant pundits said he was The One. But with the March arrest of Brian David Mitchell, it is now abundantly clear that Ricci did not abduct Smart.

…

Predictably, Grace denied all. "As far as Ricci," she said, "I'm not going on a guilt trip and I'm not letting you take the police with me on a guilt trip because Ricci was a convicted criminal in the home and had problems with his alibi since that night, and considering him as a suspect is not unthinkable." Note the way the subhuman Grace tried to pretend that the police had been challenged.

…

But of course, Nancy Grace had convicted Ricci of Smart's abduction (and probable murder). From June 2002 to the end, Grace had Ricci in her sights, and every detail seemed to suggest that he had committed the crime. The odometer showed it. The seat covers showed it. The post-hole digger showed it. The dirty car showed it. The second car showed it. The two "accomplices" showed it. Ricci's history as a cat burglar showed it. So did the things Neth Moul had said. Here was one of her edifying exchanges, offered July 11:

CALLER: Hi. Is it possible for the FBI or the law officers involved in the case to use sodium pentothal on Mr. Ricci and find out if he has any involvement with this girl's disappearance? Whether or not it can be used against him after?

KING: Nancy, is that allowed?

GRACE: Oh, how I wish, Larry! Unfortunately, it's not allowed under our Constitution. No sodium pentothal, truth serum, no beating, no torture. We have to wait for Ricci to crack. That's right.

Now (and here we go, back on topic!) she’s set her sights on video games. She had a panel discussion on her own show last week, discussing the upcoming game “25 to Life”. Senator Chuck Shumer (D-NY) recently decided this game was so immoral that it deserved his attention more than terrorism, poverty, or education, and condemned it. He, of course, was a guest. As was the lawyer who has repeatedly tried to make Rockstar Games culpable for murders by kids who played Grand Theft Auto.

Anyway, Grace starts things off with: “A violent video game aimed at our children is all about one thing: Killing cops. It`s called ‘25 to Life.’”

In the first place - aimed at our kids? It’s rated M. It’s not FOR them! Was Goodfellas aimed at our kids? Was Pulp Fiction? I’m over the age of 18, Nancy, why can’t there be hyper-violent games for me? And what’s more (emphasis added):

“This third-person shooter will let you play as either a cop trying to enforce the law or a gangster trying to make his way up in the crime world.” - Gamespot.com Preview (see also, the game’s website)

Idiot.

(For much more on Nancy Grace, check out John Cole of Balloon Juice. She’s a pet project of his. It turns out she’s been occused of all kinds of ethical misconduct from her time as a prosecutor. Apparently she twisted a number of things in pursuit of her own brand of “justice.” Also check out this Washington Post article about Grace. Apparently her interest in criminal prosecution stems from a tragedy in her own past. While I am certainly sorry for her loss, I wish she hadn’t decided to do damage to the public understanding of the justice system. This, I guess, is the closest we get to a Batman.)

Anyway, to start a discussion on violent video games and public policy, here are some thoughts and questions. I believe that designing a video game, like making a movie, is a form of speech protected under the First Amendment, and therefore the “congress shall make no law infringing [it]”. Do I believe little kids should be playing GTA3? No. That’s why we have ratings, and why I have absolutely no problems with the proposed laws that would restrict sales of M-rated games to minors.

Now, I think the retail industry’s already got a policy in place that does exactly that, but the word is that it’s not airtight. While I have seen clerks take a certain pleasure in shooting down 14-year-olds trying to buy God of War, I can’t imagine that all of them are so scrupulous, especially when there are fewer people around in the store. But I see no qualitative difference between how the sale of an M-rated game should be handled, and the sale of an R-rated movie.

Movie Games and Game Movies

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

I wrote this first bit as a comment to Aric’s “Jaws Unleashed” post below. I’m pulling it out here to try to generate some chatter:

Sadly, Jaws Unleashed is part of a larger pattern in current games of mining older movies for their videogamability. Witness The Godfather, The Warriors, The Great Escape, Scarface, and From Russia With Love. I'm genuinely excited about the latter, and don't give enough of a shit about the Warriors to feel one way or the other. Scarface can only be less fun than GTA Vice City, and turning The Godfather into a video game is an abomination unto the Lord.

Let's make some predictions. What old movies will be turned into video games? I'm asking for serious predictions, so save "Ernest Scared Stupid" for another time.

Mine:
Chinatown
The French Connection
Bullitt
Dirty Harry or The Good the Bad and the Ugly or The Outlaw Josey Wales

So, whaddaya think, WayIPlayers?

On a related note, I read on 1up the other day that German director Uwe Boll has been tapped to direct a film based on the hyperviolent Postal series of PC games. Boll is the man responsible (liable?) for the awful adaptations of video games House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark (the latter a Christian Slater / Tara Reid vehicle!).

A look at his upcoming filmography is instructive: Bloodrayne, Dungeon Seige, Fear Effect, Far Cry. Why, it seems that Boll is in a race with Paul W.S. Anderson (Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, Alien vs. Predator) for who can make the most shitty movies based on video games.

Last year Warner Bros. announced a new policy in which a video game company could be penalized for “damaging the brand” if the game based on a movie gets poor reviews. This was supposedly in reaction to the deservedly bad reviews of Enter the Matrix and Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness (never mind that Tomb Raider was Eidos’ brand to begin with). What if the game companies held movie studios to the same standards? Are there any video game movies that really HELPED their brands? Mortal Kombat, maybe. Tomb Raider, maybe. Wait, oh yeah: Pokémon.

Also in the news this week: Microsoft has been shopping around the Halo movie with a stipulation that the studio that produces it must stick to Bungie’s “Bible” of plot and character for the franchise. This is a savvy move on Bungie’s part — here’s hoping the stipulation stands and that the film doesn’t land in Uwe or Paul WS’s inbox.

UPDATE: When I was looking for video-game-based movies on IMDB, I found a lot that are in the works that I didn’t know about. Here’s a list of those, for you all to shake your head over: Carmen Sandiego, Crazy Taxi (what?), Deus Ex, Doom, Driver, Metroid, Silent Hill, Spy Hunter, Tekken.

Break Yo'self!

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

Although I already own it for PS2, I do believe I’ll be getting Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for PC. In the first place, it stands to be prettier and to avoid the drawing glitches of the original. In the second place, I am useless at aiming with an analog stick. These are my PC shooter roots showing, folks: I still naturally reach for the mouse and WASD when I sit down at a computer.

When I played GTA:SA last fall, I got hopelessly stuck on the “Just Business” mission (pictured), in which a bunch of Russians on bikes pursue you through the LA River, just like in 30% of all action movies ever. Then a car carrier careens off an overpass, suggesting T2 in particular. Anyway, I played this mission about ten times, never successfully completing it. I got a little better, and then progressively worse, all because I couldn’t aim for crap. So now I can correct one of my major gaming failures of last fall. Now if only there was a “make headcrabs less like spiders” patch for Half-Life 2.

In related news, word came round last week that one particular prefecture in Japan had banned the sale of GTA:SA to minors. Stateside, a similar law is pending in Illinois. Rockstar of course isn’t happy about this, since it represents the possibility of losing some sales. But only maybe. In the US, most of the major retailers already will not sell M-rated games to kids under 17, so from a business standpoint, the law is moot.

In general, I don’t really get why regulating M-rated sales to minors is a big deal. To me, the situation is exactly analagous to R-rated films. If a 16-year-old can’t go see Menace II Society without a parent, he shouldn’t be able to buy GTA. Now, the one difference here is that while the ESRB, like the MPAA, enacted a ratings system, the stores were a little slower to decide that M-rated games shouldn’t be sold to minors, whereas the movie theaters enforced R ratings immediately. So now the politcal pressure is on.

Finally, Final Fantasy

Originally posted at WayIPlay.com

While waiting for my laundry to finish up on Thursday, I started playing Final Fantasy I on my GBA. It’d been a long time, of course. I played it through a couple times back in the early 90s when it first came out for NES, but hadn’t touched it until the Dawn of Souls combo of FFI & FFII came out.

All of the time I spent playing on Thursday was spent fighting the Goblins (Imps, on the NES) around the first town, to level up enough to go fight Garland. So nearly all of this time was spent repeatedly pressing the A button, since there’s not a lot of strategy involved in fighting Imps. I have no patience for this. I know I’m not alone in that sentiment, but until recently it didn’t matter. When I was a kid, or even when I was in college, I felt ok wasting a half hour in one area of an RPG, fighting the same half-dozen monsters over and over to reach level [multiple of 5] to comfortably move on. Or pressing the A button over and over to scroll through the poorly-translated text one sentence at a time. But these days, my time, and in particular my video gaming time, is at a premium.

Therefore I declare a new rule for myself: no new RPGs.

I hereby resolve to not play any RPGs that I do not already own. And even then, I probably won’t be playing FFII or Chrono Trigger (which I have because they’re packed with FFI and FFIV, respectively). The one exception I may make is that Nels and I are talking about trying out City of Heroes. And action RPGs like Diablo or X-Men Legends are acceptable, since they tend to be a bit more fast-paced than a Final Fantasy / Dragon Quest type of game.

So, for the rest of my life, or until this rule is recinded, I have only a handful of games to deal with. And only three (Knights of the Old Republic, Final Fantasy Tactics and Paper Mario 2) that I haven’t really made any progress in. But this year — this year is the year that I finish FFVII on the PC. I started in 1998.