Eventually I was able to visit theonion.com and print funny pieces ("Death Star to Open Day Care Center" was another contemporary fave), and then I started subscribing to the print edition. Finally, during my senior year, I would briefly become a freelance headline writer, but that's another story.
I'm sharing this Onion article because it's a longtime favorite that was never archived on the web. The email referenced the 20-26 September, 1995 issue of the paper, page 10. I have no way to confirm that without a hypothetical microfiche in some Madison public library. When I got the email, I copied and pasted the article into Microsoft Works' word processor, printed it on our HP Deskjet 560C, and taped it to the door to the basement storage room next to our family computer. It remains there today (see photo). The text is reproduced below.
Survey Finds Positive Things Better Than Negative Things.
According to a survey conducted by the Gallup organization, a majority of Americans prefer good things over bad things. Specifically, 72 percent of poll respondents said that good things make their lives better, and bad things make their lives worse.
"These findings are significant," said Gallup spokesperson Sharon Krassner-Glenn. "A large majority of Americans are saying that they would rather experience good things than have to deal with bad things. This is quite intriguing."
Americans generally agree on what is bad as well, Gallup revealed. Seventy-nine percent believe that getting hit by lightning is bad, and an impressive 86 percent shared similar feelings about being run over by a bus. Fifty-seven percent felt that ice cream was good, and 72 percent agreed on the essential goodness of shoes. When asked to compare various things and actions, 64 percent of those polled believed sniffing a posy to be better than inserting one's hand into a kiln, and 82 percent preferred crocheted tea cozies over execution by a Chilean death squad.
"Put in layman's terms, we tend to associate bad with things that can do us potential harm, whether mental or physical, and good with things that can benefit us in a wide variety of ways," Krassner-Glenn said. "For example, I myself happen to believe that earning $70,000 as chief spokesperson of a major polling organization [is] a good thing, and is better than being a slave on a Thai fishing dinghy, which I perceive as being bad."
There were some surprising responses, too. A 56 percent majority actually found drinking a cup of sweat better than watching Hatha Yoga on public television at 6 A.M. A significant minority could be found on many of the questions: 48 percent chose waking up with a festering cadaver lying on top of them over enjoying a nutritious salad. "A lot of those respondents hated salad," Krassner-Glenn explained.
When asked if self-administering a plaster of Paris enema was better than winning $60,000,000,000,000,000,000 in a lottery, a surprising 22 percent were undecided. "Money is the root of all evil," explained one respondent. "But then again, I'd hate to have to hammer and chisel away at my ass just to take a dump. I'll have to give this considerable thought."
"What this study means for American society as a whole could make an entire career for sociologists and psychologists," Krassner-Glenn said. "Too bad it never will, because we're locking it up in a file cabinet 20 miles under the earth along with our other vital surveys, such as Americans' attitudes toward Edmund Muskie's campaign-trail antics in '72 and the wearing of leg-warmers in '83." 🧅
